'Chi-town Doug and Delores' have become full canal members recently, and Doug is a new member of the 'DECYC' (Dead End Canal Yacht Club) but Delores refuses to sign up. "Why is that Doug," one of the wives asked. "She seems nice enough?"
"She joined our bowling league, and she's quite an athlete," said 'Mrs Boston Bob.'
Well there he was trapped into a corner without the wife to explain herself. "I'd rather she tell you, really."
"She declined the blueberry pie I brought over when you first moved in, and she didn't eat hardly nothin' at the Super Bowl party I threw," said 'Bonnie the wife of Cracker Bob.' So they began plotting like women will whenever a mystery is bothering them. The old acorn in their girdle syndrome.
"You do know girdles went out of fashion in the 1940s, don't you," said 'Run-aground Ralph' as he proofed the preliminary draft of this column. He sued me for defamation of character a few years ago when I said he ran aground a lot and the judge said he could read the column to correct any errors in description of him. (The last sentence was added after he signed off.)
So Chi-town Delores had been labeled a snob for not going out with the group or eating at the Super Bowl party, etc. I had my suspicions but kept my mush shut and waited for the woman's committee to flush out the real reason. Doug was no help, the wimp!
Then Doug's birthday rolled around and the snobby Delores invited everyone over to their house for a surprise b-day party. Not much of a surprise because Doug was distracted by a pub crawl and the Reverend let it slip that we had to have Doug home by 6 p.m. so the party could start.
True to our word, we left the 'Pukin Pelican' at a quarter to and arrived at the party exactly at six. "I hope you ate at the Pelican," said Bonnie, "there ain't much there that I would call PARTY food." We all wish she could speak in her inside voice when she's reporting on a subject that could be considered sensitive.
We all walked around the food table. Most of it was fairly familiar. The chicken wings were naked with Buffalo sauce. The potato salad appeared normal and the coleslaw was a mix of purple and green cabbage? What wasn't there was bread or chips or finger food crackers. A little strange.
I recognized a diabetic picnic right away. "No carbs," I said to Boston Bob. He disagreed, pointing to the potato salad. I put a large scoop onto a paper plate, and we studied the goop. Then we tasted it and it was pretty good but after a short second we realized it wasn't potatoes in the potato salad. The texture was close. The onion, celery and mayonnaise were dead on, but it wasn't traditional potato salad.
Delores came over and smiled wryly as I dug in. "Cauliflower, it's potato-less potato salad," she chuckled. "I wanted to introduce you all to low carb food. She spun around and went back into the kitchen. She returned with a big bowl of real potato chips, hot dog and hamburger buns and real potato salad.
An audible sigh of relief was heard by most who attended. "What kind of game are you playing," Bonnie asked loudly.
"I wanted to show you that everyone should be included in events where there is food involved. You won't try the low carb food because it doesn't have all the sugar you're used to getting from high carb food," she said, and then passed around a picture of herself. She was barely recognizable. Probably 40 pounds heavier. "That's a great diet," said Mrs. Boston Bob.
"It's not a diet, it's survival for a diabetic. When that picture was taken I was blissfully ignorant about the dangers from high carb foods," Delores said.
"Is that why you refused my blueberry pie?," Bonnie asked. Delores nodded. "I would have made you a different pie if you said something."
"That's something that many diabetics hesitate to do. There are over 100 million diabetics and pre-diabetics in this country. Fully one third of the country shouldn't eat blueberry pie or any starches. It grates me when a waitress asks which starch I prefer with my meal, double mashed garlic potatoes, rice pilaf or French fries. When I ask if I could get a small salad instead she runs off to get a ruling," Delores said, while piling potato-less salad on her plate.
"I could see how a lack of low carb choices could turn off a lot of diabetic dinners. Maybe some failing restaurants should look into expanding their menus because that's a lot of people to exclude. Is it intentional," I asked Delores.
"Chefs are trained to do it the old fashioned way. They work in cramped kitchens with limited storage space so expanding their menu to include low carb dishes is nearly impossible without owners' full cooperation," Delores said. "It really isn't that difficult!" She smiled as she watched a lot of "Dead End Canal Yacht Club" members eating off the low carb side of the table.
Several things were discovered during that party. First, we should all be more tolerant with people a little different than us. Secondly, low carb food can be down right tasty. Finally, you can eat hotdogs and hamburgers without buns, go figure. And one more thing, a low carb menu can be a great weight loss, tool!
Boatguy Ed is a supposedly retired marine manufacturer who still makes the best anti-fouling bottom paint. (www.supershipbottom.com) He is a past Commodore of the "Dead End Canal Yacht Club" and a former award winning television producer of shows no one watched. Don't EVER try to buy him a beer even if it's low carbs.